I had an interesting revelation this past week about my relationship with God.I have been saying for the past 6 weeks, “I am not sure what I am going to do, but it’s important for me to discern God’s will for me.” So I pray “God tell me what you want me to do, I’m listening.” It’s been 6 weeks and I haven’t heard anything at all. Which is fine, it’s all in God’s time anyways so I am not expecting minute rice results. However, this week it occurred to me that while I had been saying I wanted to know God’s will and while I had been praying He would reveal it to me, some little voice in the back of my head said “What if He says ‘I have a barrel with suspender straps and your name on it, in Africa.'” If that is what God wanted me to do, would I do it? Sadly it didn’t take me long to go “Nope!” So what I was really praying was more like “God tell me what you want me to do… except go be poor and live in a barrel with suspender straps in Africa. ”
So now I am in the place of “now what?” I have never thought as myself as someone with huge faith, but now I have this reminder that my faith isn’t just small it’s pretty much microscopic.
What I find interesting, is God has always blessed my family and me even when I wasn’t seeking his will. I mean let’s face it I am a sinner and a control freak so I constantly try to do things in my own strength. However, it seems there is no direct correlation between my level of faith and God’s blessing. My knee jerk reaction is that is a super dangerous statement, but at the same time I think it’s good because then faith really doesn’t become self serving. I believe X, and the more I believe X the more X gives me, so to get more I will believe more. I’m not a biblical theologian, but that doesn’t smell right. The fact that my family and I are extremely blessed is not the reason I believe in God, it’s a reminder of His grace not the proof of His existence to me. This train of thought makes me think of a lyric by Relient K from Be My Escape “The beauty of grace is it makes life not fair.” I love that line, it’s a great reminder for me that I am not getting what I deserve, and I am really thankful for that.